Today, now, at this very present of time, is the lowest point in my life I’ve ever been in. Instead of doing the assignments, well, I’m here writing this post because I need to talk.

What I really want to talk is so disappointing. I’m so embarassed with myself for not being capable of trying my best.

I know since the very beginning I’m not suit for architecture. I hate lines, I mean straight line, measurement, scale, I hate it. Sometimes when I draw straight lines it feels like my inner self were shouting, like let’s draw something else, something free, with no straight line, with no burden to yourself, with no need of ruler and numbers.

I know, since the beginning.

But if I quit, I will waste too much money my parents had spend for me. College fee, and study trip fee, it was all for the purpose on encouraging me in my study, for architecture. And now I want to quit? I will be really upset to myself if I do that. They put their hope on me, but I’m not giving them my best. They have expectations on me, but now I’m writing this posts, don’t have any ambition to continue my work, I’m wasting their money and my own time.

I know it’s too early to give up. And somehow people think that I have positive mind, I prefer to called it -a different way of seeing things- I don’t have positive minds, I just really like to change the reality to my own story, when in my story there’s none to be afraid of, and people think that it’s positive. No, I’m not. I’m just pretty much capable of seeing life differently.

I envy those people who can do their best in things they don’t have any passion about. I can’t be one of them, I think I will always be that average girl who do anything without passion.

And now I am writing this because I really need someone to talk to. To help me and tell me what should I do in universal way. Not taking any side, not me and not my parents. Just in universal way of mind. Because you know it makes me happy if I could share my heavy feelings with someone so that I wouldn’t feel this lonely.

😥

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